A not-so-good cultural experience and why I prefer to be the rude German over the friendly American
US Americans are known for their friendliness, but superficial friendliness does not replace the truth. Too often, that friendliness is used to hide a reality that serves someone else's interest.
Superficial friendliness vs. presenting reality and how we can learn true communication from horses. By the way, I am not rude!
This is a 30-minute reading journey, not a three-minute scroll. Find a quiet place, pour yourself your favorite drink, and settle in. Like a slow horseback ride through the mountains, this story isn't about getting somewhere quickly. It's about noticing what unfolds along the way. As you read, I invite you to reflect on your own experiences and consider where they may intersect with my perspective.
Let me reach out to everyone with this story, even if you have no connection to horses or real estate agents! Keep reading if you are interested in clear communication, simplifying life, and avoiding stress.
I am telling the story of my recent challenge selling my house in the US. It may seem like an ordinary experience, but it is not, because one challenge never ends before the next one begins. I could go back in time and add hundreds of similar stories.
Burned out after many years of this bullshit, I am changing countries. Countries and politics matter to me, and cultures affect me. I was never meant to live in the US. I love the country, but I do not get along with its culture or the way many people interact.
I have lived in the North, including Alaska; the Midwest; the East; the West, including Hawaii; and the South. I am not saying that this is how everyone experiences the US. This is simply my personal experience. Whatever it is that causes your stress or burnout, I encourage you to identify it.
Looking back, I realize that much of my suffering and declining health were connected to living in a place where I never truly felt I belonged. I was simply holding on.
People like to be pampered in a cloud of positivity and affirmation, even when it is not true. Having lived in both Europe and the US, I can clearly see and describe the problem when the truth cannot be communicated. It is very damaging to live in a country that thrives on conservative, right-wing ideologies, and Trump certainly isn’t helping matters.
I prefer straightforward, ethical, and meaningful business. I want to be heard and am tired of getting hurt.
This blog tells my story as an example of how culture has affected my life, based on many experiences. The latest one and last one, was selling my house in the US using a real estate agent.
It is obviously a buyer's market at the moment. I am using an agent to make things easier and am paying 6% of the sale price to the agents. Yes, agents! I am also paying for the buyer's agent. So I, the seller, am paying for this service on both sides, and believe me, the buyer's agent is not working in my interest. As I have come to find out, neither is my own agent!
I understand that there are a few more parties in the background that profit from the payout like the firm, broker, underwriter, banks, and so on. So basically, the agent I hired only gets a portion of the 6%. I know that almost nobody is getting rich from this. It is just a money-juggling arrangement that allows them to make a living if they sell fast, with minimal cost, time and effort, and sell a lot. What a shitty system, but it reflects the American way of Life.
So basically, that is the service I am getting. Everyone is trying to get a piece of the pie, and I am feeling it!
The system is set up so that you have to have these different cuts of the pie. Selling a house on your own in the US is not wanted, makes you an outsider who is not complying, and everyone in the market works against that because they want a piece of my pie. In my eyes it is, “lawful but awful”.
What makes it worse is that these different layers of people are focused and trained only on the surface of their portion, all working toward one big overall goal. They know little but have the money-making boss above them as protection; kind of like a pimp. Everything has been legally twisted, is extremely difficult to understand, and is apparently meant to be understood only within the layer you are in.
For someone like me, who is in the layer of selling through an agent, it is impossible to navigate through this. I am not allowed to talk to the buyer or the buyer's agent. I am asked to trust the communication process and keep my mouth shut, without asking too many questions, and to keep everything cost-effective and simple for them. At the very end, the buyer contacted me, and now I can clearly see that the communication between the two agents was simply kept to themselves, working out deals between the two of them. My house is not being sold in my interest but in the interests of the different parties involved. Again, this only works if it is done fast and without a client like me who has different ideas. This is how, in many cases, I became the rude German. And if I did not have such a bad prediction for this country, I would not sell my house through this deal, but I anticipate it is going to get worse.
Yes, it is different in Europe. There are a lot of layers there too, but you can choose which portion you want to be involved in; you can be part of all, some, or just one and it is transparent. Selling a house on your own is absolutely doable here. You get the professional help you hire and pay only for the portion you choose. And you do not pay the buyer's expenses! Bureaucracy can be slow in certain European countries, but I prefer slow professional over fast-rippling unprofessional layers! The pressured deadlines in the US poison the whole experience- it is sell now and fast.
There is no less bureaucracy in the US; it just wants to be faster, run by people that want to be professionals often with minimal experience, and backed by laws written for the firms, covering every aspect of their business to make money using my money.
To become a real estate salesperson in the State of Arizona where I am selling my house any idiot can do it, making a portion of my pie. And believe me, I have met them. Ask me, and I tell you the story of the real estate agent that rented our house and messed it up so badly… well, that is a different story! But wait, the firm she still works for was our property managing company that we paid for!
- Be at least 18 years old.
- Complete 90 hours of approved pre-licensing education
- Complete a 6-hour Contract Writing course
- Pass the Arizona real estate licensing exam, which includes both a national and an Arizona-specific section and is administered by Pearson VUE.
- Obtain an Arizona Fingerprint Clearance Card
- Provide proof of legal authorization to work in the United States
Once licensed, a salesperson must work under the supervision of a licensed broker.
So, my advice if you are selling your house, skip the agent and do their work yourself and go straight to the broker- one less to get a piece of your pie.
If things do not go as predicted because one person does not know what the other one is doing, the speed is gone, and the damage is done, you will lose out.
The opposite is true if you are dealing with companies like Airbnb and money platforms like PayPal. They love to slow down the process and sit on your money or payout for as long as possible. Oh my goodness, I don't even want to start with those stories or the car sales platforms like CarMax. By the time you are done with them, you need a vacation, but wait, we are in the US. There is no time or money for a vacation because you just left it at CarMax :)
Transparency is lost throughout the different steps of my house sale. Words can't be relied on, contracts can be rewritten and changed, and deadlines keep the pressure on, all in a very uncanny and secretive way. But what really gets me is the hidden truth behind the fake professional friendliness. What also gets me is not being able to reach the person you need to talk to. Instead, there is a friendly AI voice that raises your blood pressure, and there is nothing you can do to avoid it, and you end up reaching a person who has no clue, or an answering machine at best.
In the US, I am considered rude when I tell someone they are about to cross my line. Saying “no” to something that is not in their interest is not accepted. In my opinion, I am only rude, for example, when I yell at someone, cuss at them, or call them an asshole. But that is not how it is understood in US culture. In US culture, a simple “no,” setting boundaries, trying to do something differently, or changing something is considered rude and can have consequences that are not in your favor. Even a harsh tone will do it. Interrupting someone is an absolute no-go, even if they have talked your ear off and are not answering your actual question. Really, none of this gets you anywhere. It has become pointless to ask questions. You have to do their work to get things done over and over again, double-checking everything in every layer, and you cannot rely on anybody’s answer.
And no, I have not told the agent that she is an asshole or yelled at her. My firm voice was enough to set her off, and she worked even faster, not in my interest, but to get the house under contract before I could fire her. In the end, I will have paid for a service that caused a lot of stress, was extremely time-consuming, juggled me between hundreds of emails, and cost me thousands of dollars and a great deal of time. The moment I signed the contract with the real estate agent (actually with her broker), my time and money were lost for the next six months under her contract. Luckily, I agreed to only six months.
I still do not understand this stressful process. In the agent's opinion, I am rude for asking too many questions and wanting the sale done my way. I guess I have been around horses for too long.
When it came to taking responsibility for mistakes, it was always easy to blame another department. Then that department would blame someone else, and so on.
Apparently, I was simply supposed to let her do her job because she knew what she was doing and was the best at it, bragging about how much her boss (broker) thinks she is doing a fantastic job; that was her message to me, delivered in a professionally polished but insincere way. Of course the broker thinks she is doing a great job, serving the pie pieces- fast, more, making sure she keeps them coming! No wonder obesity is a problem in the US.
The fact that the sale of my house was an individual transaction, with its own unique circumstances, was simply not taken into consideration.
All I wanted from the beginning, was to plan on extra time to sell, with a closing date further out, and to give potential buyers transparent information about the condition of the house. Then we would not have had so many issues, paid thousands of dollars for a repair that did not have to be done and was absolutely senseless, made our renter vacate the house early, and lost income and time. We could have completed the different stages smoothly without having to change the closing date three times, none of it my fault!
Who knows? The next closing date approaches soon and we may have to extend again? And people need to stop blaming others because, in this house-selling deal, it is always someone else's fault if things do not go smoothly! I am so tired of it.
Again, it was clear from the beginning: I needed three months until the closing date because we have a VA loan that can be assumed, a solar system that needs to be transferred, and a renter. All of this needs a little extra time! Yes, I am angry because I knew better, was ignored, and it cost me my time and a lot of money. I should have listened to my gut feeling instead, but I was simply tired and exhausted from dealing with matters in the US, and I can already feel the lightness that will come when this deal is signed and done.
So, what does that have to do with horses and Ride the Brand?
Stop communicating in layers! Believe in clear and sincere communication! Trust and believe in yourself and become resilient to handle the hurdles that come your way. Cut out the bullshit. And don't sell your house through a real estate agent in the US. :)
Do you know a situation in which something has been explained to you many times, but you still don't get it? It is because either you are not listening or the other person is not communicating sincerely.
In my example above, I was listening. When I had a question, I received a friendly but worthless answer that was far too long, absolutely meaningless, and did not address the direction I wanted to take. This is what causes burnout! I needed help with the house-selling business, not an exhausting fight. What I really needed was a sincere and straightforward agent, with my interests in mind, without her pushing pressure, speed, and selling fast. Try doing that with a horse…
She should take coaching lessons and learn from the horses! But to be understood, this is not about learning communication to convince others to follow your own self-serving agenda. Horses only accept true communication; they don’t respond to selfish agendas. You really get to see your true self, and that makes it hard.
To learn to communicate, you have to listen and you also have to be open to the person you are talking to! The same applies to horses! If you are not a horse person, you are probably wondering how this can be done. It is done with the right intention, body language, energy, pressure and release, with perfect timing. For all of this, you need to carefully observe your horse and stop talking so much!
Of course, when you are a real estate agent, you should work for your paying client and not for your own interests. Again, it is the same when working with horses: You should work in their interests, not yours. If you have good intentions, it will work out! The same goes for my real estate agent, with good intentions, her business will prosper at the right time, bringing meaningful and lasting success and maybe she will make it to the broker level and be a good one!
Wrong intentions will fall back on you, and hopefully, you can see this and learn from your mistakes. Again, the same goes for good horsemanship. Your mistakes are not punished by your horse. Horses show you clearly when you are asking something with the wrong intention and clarity- they may simply ignore, shut down, get scared, go away or become stressed. Their response is the answer you are getting to your communication. When doing business or teaching someone, you need to be clear in your intentions and instructions, and you need to know your stuff. Learning to communicate from human to human, human to horse, or horse to human is worthwhile! I think this real estate agent should learn from the horses!
If I am not clear with my horse, family, friends, or business partners, how can they know what I am trying to say? Most of the time, the problem is that they are not listening. They are too occupied with their own story. It starts with getting their attention, because if they are not really listening, how can you have meaningful communication with them? It is not magic when your horse understands you. It is because you got your horse's attention, your horse listened, and was able to respond. This is fun, it feels good, and is so positive!
It is a process that is far more difficult for people than for horses, but I am trying to listen, understand, and communicate clearly. When I do not receive attention from others, it all becomes very meaningless, and unpleasant in many ways. Through coaching with horses, you can also learn to become resilient to situations that are out of your control, and, if possible, you can anticipate them before putting your energy into them. You learn to be heard and clearly set your boundaries.
Again, this is where my business, my work with horses, and the building of Rancho Terra Bravo go hand in hand with this topic!
It is a learning process that continues. I love to get help and learn. I love teaching and passing on what I have learned so far. I am making the world around me a better place with what I have, and I love preserving the beauty and simplicity of nature.
I avoid dealing with people, real estate agents and others alike, who are not interested in sincere communication; people who don't stop talking, don't listen, and are self-centered. I am trying to pass clear communication on to my horses, as well as to everybody in my life. Because it is a simple method, it has to remain simple, straightforward and with good intentions. Start to quiet down, listen, and leave the meaningless small talk at the grocery store!
One last thing: By the time you read this, the house will have been sold, or I will be done with this agent. This is why I am cautious and will not publish this blog until after that, not because I mention any names or identifying details, but because people are far from working in my interest, and someone might see a piece of my pie as another opportunity to make money.
In case you are wondering, I did do my homework before I chose the real estate agent. I was transparent about the fact that I needed to rent out the house to cover my costs, that there was a VA loan assumption that would take longer to process, and that transferring the Tesla solar system was another step that could take time. But like so many times, I was misled by a nice conversation where I did get the answers I wanted to hear and I was just hoping for the best, because I had no back up and already left the country.
I advise anybody selling a house in the US to take it slow, not accept any pressure, be firm on your price, and not pay for the buyer's costs, you can clearly take this into consideration in the selling price and only use a broker! Create your own MLS listing, cut out the agent, be your own real estate agent, and take matters into your own hands!
The MLS listing she created was not in line with my intentions for selling my house, either in its wording or its pictures. I had her replace them with better ones. She conducted three open houses, but she did not even consider the informational flyer I wanted to place on the kitchen counter for potential buyers to take home.
Our house was just a math problem to her: how much of her time was it worth investing? She would have treated a million-dollar sale differently, and I am sure I would have been treated differently as well. Would you treat an expensive horse differently from an inexpensive one? I hope not!
She is not a good real estate agent, but being a good agent does not seem to be what she is really after. She is trying to make the money that supports her lifestyle. She is a single mother making a living, and I respect that. But I do not respect someone using my money to do it without respecting my sincerity. I know that this will eventually catch up with a person, no matter what layer you are in.
These are the kinds of jobs in which the system pushes people to work harder and faster while they remain focused mainly on getting money from others. That is not very satisfying if you ask me. It is like holding a carrot in front of your horse so that the horse follows you around only to get the food. Is that what you want from your horse or a partner? My answer is no.
There are many jobs like this, including brokers, bankers, insurance agents, used-car dealers, Trump, and so on. Yes, the US is built on this, where they want to make money with your money, and that has become normal. It goes all the way from the top institutions on Wall Street and trickles down into the smaller cracks, like real estate in the poorest rural areas. Their intentions and service are not good, they are not sincere about what they are doing, and even the poorest are trying to get a piece of the pie just to stay above water. They do not take pride in their work. You get fooled into thinking someone is offering you a service, but really, they just want a piece of your pie. Do what you can yourself and eliminate the different layers of people. "Too many cooks spoil the broth. That is exactly how I experienced the house-selling process."
Negative experiences will last, and since you cannot eliminate them, you can learn, in my case through horses and nature, to become resilient so your body and mind can handle them and not make you ill. Burnout is very common, and constantly chasing the carrot is deadly! I do not feel good about having sold my house through her. I would have much rather sold the house more slowly, without stress and pressure, with a few laughs, and on a more personal level. But the system in the US is not set up for this.
Almost everyone is hard up for money and wants more. Often, people can't make a living, nor do they have health insurance, money for education, or any kind of plan for how to live their lives. Chasing the carrot therefore appears to be the best way forward.
Maybe this is why I love my horses and this piece of nature so much. Their intentions are sincere. They don't use me, and I do not use them.
So, again, what does that have to do with Ride the Brand?
It connects my heartfelt project, Rancho Terra Bravo, with the goal of giving everyone who needs to escape from this fast world a place to return to: a place where there can be no interruptions from a real estate agent :) or anyone else.
I am not sure whether this is just my personal experience or whether others feel the same way, but I have become exhausted and stressed by things that should not matter yet still threaten my well-being through no fault of my own.
Believe me, if the real estate transaction were the only issue, I would not be stressed. It has simply been one thing after another for many years. It is not getting better; it is getting worse, and the pace keeps accelerating.
I am no longer part on this fast and frantic ride. I am happy on my slow horseback ride through the mountains.
I spent years trying to slow the pace and challenge the way things were done. In the United States, I was often labeled the "rude German" simply because I asked questions and wanted straightforward answers. That cost me a great deal of energy, time, and money. I tried to change things, but I realized I had little chance of making a difference in a culture and political environment that often felt fundamentally at odds with my values.
Now that I no longer live in the United States, I can finally leave that label behind. I was never the cheerful, accommodating American the system seemed to expect me to be. Instead, I value authenticity and thrive on meaningful conversations with thoughtful people.
That is why I am intentionally downsizing my life and embracing a slower pace here in Europe.
And now is the time to help others who are likely facing much bigger hurdles than I am, in a simply beautiful setting in northern Portugal. A quiet place where you are heard and seen; where a “NO” is not considered rude and you have a chance to built resilience and change on your terms!
I encourage anybody out there that feels similar to my experiences to write about it!Finishing this blog, I am crying, because it is such a relief not holding back and finally letting go!